f there is one subject in society that seems to go ignored and unnoticed it is the subject of domestic violence.  People don’t realize how much abuse goes on in homes and tears families apart.  Domestic violence, sadly, happens on a daily basis, destroying self esteems and dividing households.  Many people fail to see and understand just how much damage it causes and the emotional scars it leaves behind.  


Living in a home where domestic violence is involved does not only affect the person being abused, but it also affects children in the home as well who are subject to it.   In fact, kids who grow up in broken homes where domestic violence takes place can sometimes be abusive in their own relationships and marriages when they enter adulthood.   Since they see their father beat their mother regularly, they get use to it and think that it’s just normal behavior when in fact it is not normal behavior at all.  However, they start thinking it is okay to treat another person that way since the abuser is setting that bad example for them, and no one is around to tell them that domestic violence and abusing someone is wrong.  Not all children who grow up in abusive homes though turn out to be like their abusers.   But they still bear the memories of the abuse that they saw their mother go through.  



Unfortunately, women who are in abusive marriages and even abusive relationships don’t always speak out about it.  Too often they are afraid of what their abuser will do to them if they find out that the victim has gone and told someone. Sometimes for these women speaking out can put them in an even more dangerous situation.   If word gets back to their abuser that they told someone, then the abuser is likely to become even more violent towards them.  Domestic violence victims often cover their bruises out of sight from the public by concealing them with makeup.  Often, when someone asks them what is wrong if they notice a bruise, they will lie to cover for their abuser, saying they fell or some other story like that.   The truth is that while most do not speak out, inside they are longing to tell someone the situation they are in. 


The two methods that abusers use on their victims are brainwashing and threats.  Abusers know that it is dangerous for them if their victim shares their story and goes to the police about it.  The first method they use is brainwashing.  The abuser knows that by breaking down the person’s spirit and destroying their self-esteem, they can completely control their lives and their every move.  They will tell the victim lies about how worthless they are, how no one else wants them, how they are not good enough, and make them feel totally inferior.  They will even go as far as telling them that the person deserves the abuse they are going through.   The second method is threatening their victim into silence.   In this case, the abuser tells the victim that if they report them to the police, then they will turn them in for something else or they will even threaten to kill them.   Sometimes, if the abuser knows that the victim has ever threatened to commit suicide or has self inflicted, they will use that against the person, taking the blackmail approach to keep them from leaving.   Brainwashing and threats are two very dangerous methods.  


Domestic violence causes people to feel isolated from the rest of the world since they are afraid to speak out.  Because they feel trapped and think they have no where to go and are not sure where to turn, they will sink into depression and in some cases, even start feeling suicidal.  They are afraid to be around the abuser because they never know what little thing will set them off and make them become angry.  Little things such as not having dinner ready on time, talking to friends on the phone,  interacting with a friend of the opposite sex,  going somewhere without telling them, even wearing something that the abuser does not think is appropriate can set off an abuser’s violent mood.  Victims never know when the violence will break out and when the anger will be taken out on them.


Why do abusers hurt their victims?  Most often, the abusers themselves grew up in broken homes.  They witnessed their parents fighting and getting violent towards one another.  Because of the abuse they witnessed as kids and having to stay in a household that was violent, as adults they have issues from their past.  This, however, in no way excuses their behavior and abusing their spouse or the person they are dating.  There is never any excuse for abuse and hurting someone like that.  Since they didn’t get help to resolve those past issues, they take their anger out on innocent lives.  Most abusers have had a history of being around abuse, or even being abused themselves.  When they don’t get help for anger issues and don’t get help for issues in their past, they find themselves becoming abusive just like the people who hurt them.


Other than brainwashing and threats along with fear, what causes a woman to stay in an abusive marriage or relationship?  There are cases where the woman does walk away and get out of the abusive situation she’s in, but then ends up taking her abuser back.  This happens because another tactic the abusers use is apologizing.  They tell the victim that they didn’t mean to hurt them, that this is not who they are, that they love them, and ask the person to give them another chance, promising they will never do it again.   The more that the victim takes the abuser back though, the worse it gets.  While abusers can change if they get the right help, most do not get the help they need and don’t change.  It’s a repeating cycle.  The abuser beats his victim, the victim leaves, the abuser goes after her to apologize and say he loves her, and the victim believes that things can change and get better so she takes him back.   Abuse is not love.  It does not matter if the abuser claims to love the victim.  Love is not about hurting someone.  Rather, love is about getting help to resolve issues and taking the steps necessary to get counseling in order to break the abusive habit.    A woman should never just take back her abuser once she leaves.   Taking the abuser back can sometimes lead to death.  As much as she thinks that she can change him and that things can get better for the two of them, she should not put herself back in that victim role again that she worked hard to escape from in the first place.  



Women are not the only domestic violence victims though.  Men are victims too.  There are cases where the woman is the abusive one in the relationship or marriage.  Male victims though have a harder time about talking about abuse they have gone through.  Males are suppose to be the strong ones in life and the protectors.  So when males go through abuse, they feel like less of a man because of it.  Whether the victim is a male or a female though, there are always feelings of shame and guilt that the abuse leaves.  These feelings of shame and guilt are placed on the victim but do not belong to the victim.  Those feelings belong to the ones who hurt them.  The abuser should be the one feeling guilty and is the one to blame for not controlling their actions and not getting help.


No one should ever stay in an abusive marriage or relationship.  The longer the person stays in the marriage or relationship, the more pain it causes.  It is important to take that step to speak out and get some help.  Yes, it is a risk to escape from the abuser, but it is better to take that risk than to become another domestic violence statistic.  You can break the cycle.  You do not have to repeat the cycle; you have the power and strength within you to walk away.  There are always shelters and churches that are willing to help; there are hotlines you can call; and you can even tell your closest friends that you trust about what is going on.  If you know someone who is being abused, be there for them and get them help.  You may think that you are intruding and that it is not your business what goes on, but when it comes to someone you care about being abused, it is your business.  Intervention is the best thing you can do in that case to help the person out because in the end, you will end up saving their life by intervening.


Speaking out is the first step to breaking the chains, taking back control of your life, and allowing yourself to heal.  When you speak out and when you walk away from the abusive situation, you give other victims out there hope for they know they are not alone.  In fact, your story of survival can motivate them to speak out and get out of their abusive situation in as well.  You are setting the way for others to find that strength within them to break the cycle of domestic violence and abuse.