On numerous occasions, one of the questions that I have been asked is how I began healing and what I steps I took to start speaking out and sharing my story with other survivors and victims out there. Honestly there were a few major steps I had to take when making the decision to finally break my silence and start speaking out. My childhood definitely motivated me and inspired me to step forward to reach out to others since I never had anyone to talk to when I was going through the abuse at home. Not wanting others to feel alone and wanting them to know they didn't have to go through life alone, I made the decision to dedicate my life to doing what I can to reach out and help victims and survivors out there, to be that voice for those who are not ready to share their stories with the world. But the two major steps I took to allow myself to begin to heal were learning to love myself again and learning to forgive those who had hurt me. These two steps are not easy to do but for me, they were necessary so that I could begin to start really healing and letting go of my past.


The first step I had to take was learning to forgive those who had hurt me. This was not easy for me at first because I felt so much anger and rage towards my father and husband for abusing me and tearing me down all the time. I suffered physical and emotional abuse from them. I felt anger towards them for hurting me when they should have loved me, cherished me and protected me from harm. When I thought back to the times that they hit me, that they put me through hell, and that they totally wrecked my self esteem, I would feel all this anger boiling inside me. These were the two men who should have cared about me the most and should have been there for me. I shouldn't have been afraid of them. For a long time, I not only felt resentment and anger towards them, but I also felt angry with myself for not walking away sooner and not speaking out sooner. I felt angry that I stayed a victim for so long when I should have just taken the risks and the chances to break the cycle and do what I could to escape the pain. I also felt angry towards my mother for not intervening when my father abused me and for just watching it all take place. I never really understood how she could just sit there and do nothing. I always stood up for her and intervened so she wouldn't feel my dad's wrath, but she didn't do the same for me. I was mad at her for not leaving my father and for not getting out of there because if she had left, I wouldn't have gone through the abuse that I did.

I had to learn to forgive my dad, my husband, myself, and my mother before I could really move on and begin healing. I began to look at things from a different perspective so that I could forgive them and forgive myself as well as also to gain more of an understanding as to why I was feeling so much anger and rage and hate towards them. In no way do I condone the actions of my abusers because abuse is wrong and they had no right to take their anger out on me and hurt me like they did. But when I took that step back, when I began seeing things from a different perspective, I realized something about both my father and my husband. People tend to think that abuse only effects the victims and that the victims are only the ones who are feeling the abuse physically. This, however, is not true. Victims can also be those who witness the abuse in their homes. They don't have to feel the pain, but when they witness it and are around it all the time, it does effect them in many ways. Both my father and husband were never physically abused. They did, though, grow up in broken homes where they witnessed their parents abusing one another. Both of them also had parents that really did not pay much attention to them either and thought of them as more of a mistake. I believe their backgrounds as children played a part in the adults that they later became. Although neither one would admit it, I think that they had issues from the past, from being around abuse all the time, and that they never got the help they needed because they decided to block it out and shrug it off. In time, though, the anger inside them built up to where finally it exploded. This anger they had they took out on me even though it was not my fault. Since they never resolved their issues from the past or came to terms with it, they became exactly like their abusers. When I began to see this, I realized that I did not want to be the same way. Having feelings of anger is normal but we must learn to control it before it controls us. I did go through a period in my life where I was becoming just like the men who had abused me and I found myself taking anger out on those that I loved and cared about, hurting them when I didn't even mean to. So I decided that I didn't want to be like my abusers. I found ways of releasing my anger in a healthy way that wouldn't bring harm to myself and wouldn't hurt anyone else in my life.

When it came to my mom, I understood why she didn't leave my dad when I found myself in an abusive marriage. I finally started to see why she was so afraid to leave. My mom was very insecure from all the emotional and physical abuse my father put her through. She had two kids, me and my brother, to raise and with very little college and only a highschool degree, she was afraid of getting out there on her own and raising us. My dad brainwashed her and controlled her so much that she also feared what he would do to her if she did leave. She didn't have very many friends so she didn't know where to turn to. I also think that she thought if she stayed things might get better between them. I know that when it came to my marriage, time and time again I'd take him back thinking that I could fix everything and that he would change. However, you cannot change someone for they must change because they want to and change for themselves. They also must be willing to take the steps to get the necessary help they need. I'm not saying that abusers can't change but for those in abusive relationships and marriages, I will say that you should leave right away because if the person doesn't get help, things are only going to get worse and you don't need to keep going through the pain. Don't let the person make you feel guilty or belittle you since that is another tactic that abusers use to force their victims to stay. Even if the person decides to get help, you should still separate from them and distance yourself to keep safe. Change doesn't happen right away and I think that you should let the person get the help that they need and while they are getting that help, let them show you overtime and prove to you that they really have changed. Once trust is broken, it's hard to rebuild it and it takes a long time to earn someone's trust again. My mom wouldn't intervene for me because she was terrified of my dad. She didn't want him to hurt her even more if she did intervene. I'm not saying that it was right for her to watch me get abused because it wasn't. I think that as parents, we should be protecting our children from harm and intervene when we see them getting hurt. My mom should have gotten help for me and for herself, but my dad had broken her spirit down so much and destroyed her self esteem so much that she was afraid to stand up to him and she stayed with him anyways. When I began to see all these things, it made it a little easier for me to forgive those who had hurt me. I had to forgive myself too by realizing that nothing was my fault. At the time, I had no one to turn to and I didn't know about the organizations and resources out there that helped victims and survivors. It probably would have made a huge difference if I did. But I had to see that I did nothing to deserve the abuse and that I was just an innocent victim. I chose to forgive my abusers and forgive my mom because I knew that if I didn't forgive them, then the anger would continue to blind me and I would continue to harbor hate and bitterness in my heart that wouldn't allow me to help others, accept myself, and really love myself because if I had hate in my heart, then how could I be expected to accept and love myself? So learning to forgive was the first step I took.

Then came the next step which was learning to love myself and not focus on the negative things all the time. Self love is one of the hardest things to learn after being abused and brainwashed over and over again. The memories that I had of certain events in my past often left me feeling so ashamed and so worthless as a human being. I only saw shattered parts of me and all I could hear were the negative things that my abusers had said about me. No matter how hard I tried to block out those voices, my past seemed to whisper to me that I would never amount to anything and would remind me that I was the girl who was rejected by her own family and thrown away by her own husband. I'm not exactly sure how I got to the point of really starting to love myself again, but I did certain things to help me learn to love myself again. First, I acknowledged that the abuse was not my fault. Secondly, I started making a list of achievements and goals I had accomplished to remind me of all I was doing in my life. Since I always saw a broken person in the mirror, I began saying out loud all the good qualities I possessed and all the good things that others saw in me. I said out loud those achievements and goals I had achieved and the ones I was working on. Saying it out loud helped me to gain more confidence in myself as the words began to sink in, replacing those negative words and thoughts. Over time, when I looked in the mirror, I didn't see that broken victim of the past but I started to see this beautiful survivor filled with courage, strength and determination. I also started surrounding myself with positive people who encouraged me in my journey of healing and I started to enjoy the simple pleasuers in life. Sometimes we can get so caught up in drama that we completely miss the simple pleasures in life and we often take them for granted. It's the simple pleasures in life that make life worth living though.

One of the things that I have heard survivors say is that the after effects of abuse and the scars left behind still make them a victim and I've heard some say, once a victim always a victim. This is where I am going to have to disagree. When we suffer and endure abuse, we are left behind with after effects such as PTSD, anxiety attacks, panic disorders, low self esteem, self infliction which I battled for a very long time, among other things. These do not make us a victim though. It isn't our fault we are left with these scars, but they don't make us victims. The definition of a victim is one who is harmed by or made to suffer from an act, circumstance, agency, or condition. Now take a look at the definition of survivor which is a person who continues to function or prosper in spite of opposition, hardship, or setbacks. So I ask you, how can we be victims still if we have escaped from those harmful situations we were in? You are only a victim if you are still in that situation and have not broken free from it. You are a survivor when you have escaped and are no longer living that life. The after effects that we go through are challenges and well, as a survivor, challenges are a part of life. These things should not be viewed as making us victims though. They should be viewed as obstacles that we are overcoming in our lives and it is possible to gain victory over them. Just because you don't share your story with the world doesn't mean that you are a victim. I know that not everyone is ready to speak out and share their stories yet. That's okay. You should only tell your story and share it with the world when you are ready to do so. Don't let anyone tell you though that you are a victim because you write about your past or you express your emotions through poetry or anything like that. You're not a victim when you write about it or express your feelings and emotions. Those feelings and emotions need to be released because they've been locked up inside for a long time. Trust me, I've had people sit there and tell me, oh Jenna, you need help, you need to learn to forgive and let go because all you do is sit there and talk about your past and your writing is so whiny; I had it worse than you, Jenna, your life is a playpen compared to mine.

Yes, that comes from other survivors, sadly enough. First, to them I say well you weren't there to witness the abuse I went through so who are you to compare your life to mine? Secondly, when we go through abuse, we aren't thinking, oh I wonder who is getting abused more than me, I wonder who has it worse than me. No, we're thinking about the pain we are feeling. As far as people thinking my writing makes me a victim, well then don't read my work. You don't have to agree with my methods or my thoughts or my opinions for that matter. If you don't like my writing, then instead of judging me and trying to tear me down which is emotional abuse from peers, just don't say anything at all and quit reading it if it bothers you so much. I mean, you wouldn't listen to music that you didn't like would you? No. So the same goes with my writing. See, when survivors share their stories, it doesn't make them look like a victim; it shows the strength they have to have endured all the abuse and to have made it this far in life; it shows courage they have for having left their situations and broken the chains of the past. Now, I know that there are those that do use their stories to just get attention and gain sympathy and pity. I am not one of those people. In fact, I honestly do not like it when people say, I feel sorry for you for having gone through that, or I'm sorry that you went through that. It's in the past and it made me a stronger person and the person I am today so please do not feel sorry for me because I don't want sympathy or pity. Be happy for me that I am alive and that I have moved on to better things in my life. I don't think it's dwelling on your past when you're using your experiences and story in a positive way to reach out to others and help encourage them. It's dwelling on the past when you complain and do nothing about it and get what I call the Eeyore syndrome, meaning you just sigh and complain and whine without ever taking steps to better yourself and create a better life for yourself. We all have it in us to get the life that we want and to move on to better things. We all have it in us to write a new sequel to our lives rather than repeating the chapters of before.

To transform from the victim of yesterday to the survivor of today, it's all about how you see yourself and the steps you are willing to take to allow yourself to heal. It's all about turning the negative areas of your life into something positive. I was writing a report today on the Women's Right Movement for the next Rising Above Magazine issue. As I read about these women who participated in the Movement, I found myself encouraged by the work that they did. People like Sojourner Truth, Susan B Anthony, Elizabeth Cady Stanton, Harriet Beecher Stowe, Lucy Stone, Lucretia Mott and Julia Ward Howe to name a few of the keynote figures during that time, were ordinary women doing extraordinary things with their lives because they had the courage to get out there and do something about the injustice towards women. Instead of just talking about what they wanted to do and the change they wanted to see, they took action and they became that change they wanted to see. In a time where women were treated as inferior and could not speak out, they went against society's rules and they let their voices be heard loud and clear. They didn't care what happened; some of them were even imprisoned for speaking out. They kept on with their mission though and thanks to the hard work of those women, we American women can enjoy the right to vote. I don't know about you, but I want to be one of those women that helps to change history and make this world a better place.

Issues such as abuse need to be brought to the attention of society. These issues need light shed on them. How will we ever expect change to happen if we just sit back and do nothing about it? This world needs leaders and we women survivors need to step up and help pave the way for future generations just as the women leaders of the past paved the way for us and left their footprints behind for us to follow in. Where they left off, we need to pick up and continue to carry out their mission. I'm sure if those women from back then were here today, they'd still be out there letting their voices be heard and fighting hard to make changes in society. It takes an ordinary person who is willing to do extraordinary things to make a change and start a change in this world. So let's be those ordinary people willing to step up and do extraordinary things so that we can be that change this world needs. It's all about self perspective and how we see ourselves though. I know that I could not have gone on to achieve my dreams and goals had I not took the steps I needed to allow myself to heal and begin to love myself and see the beauty in me. Challenges in life make us stronger people not weaker people. Now that I have forgiven those who hurt me and have learned to love me and accept me for the woman I am, I am free to move on and start building a new and brighter future for myself. But it was taking those chances and risks in life that led me to where I am today, a survivor speaking out and sharing my story with others. The self perspective of a survivor is what allows us to transform from the victim of yesterday to the survivor of today.