Believing In Breakthroughs: There Is Life and Healing After Abuse
November 10, 2008
The key chain that I have says one word, BELIEVE. I bought it awhile
back to symbolize a new era in my life. For me, this simple key chain
with the word BELIEVE holds so much meaning to me. When I look at it, I
am reminded of all the trials I have endured in my past to make it this
far in the present. It also serves to remind me of the future I have
ahead of me and to keep holding on even when tough challenges come my
way.
One of the things that I struggled with for the longest time was my self esteem. Many people know that I am a survivor of child abuse and domestic violence, but what they don't know is that I am a survivor of other things as well. To begin with, I am a survivor of cerebral palsy. When I was born, doctors diagnosed me with cerebral palsy. They told my parents that I would never walk and that I would always be in a wheelchair. They told my parents I would never be like other children who could do everyday things. I consider myself very blessed and very fortunate to be able to walk and to be able to talk. I couldn't even walk until I was about two years old and even then, I had to go to therapy to learn how to walk. I remember having to wear orthodics in my shoes to learn how to walk properly and hating it. For awhile I took speech classes to learn how to speak properly since I couldn't even pronounce consonants. Everything I said came out in vowels. But after taking therapy and speech classes, I was able to walk and talk. However, I was still left with side effects from the cerebral palsy. For instance, I don't pick up on things or really comprehend things as quickly as other people can. I don't even hold my pen or pencil correctly because of my motor skills. My left hip also does not rotate all the way properly so my foot turns in a little bit. Over the years, that has improved though and is not as noticeable as it used to be when I was younger. I am thankful though that I am able to walk and talk and I certainly don't take it for granted.
For the longest time, though, I was picked on in school for the way that I walked. Kids made fun of me all the time. I had to endure peer abuse on top of the abuse that I went through at home. Because I'm not able to pick up on concepts and comprehend things easily, my dad would get frustrated with me a lot. I've never really been that great at math and that is one of the subjects my dad loves. Any time I needed help with math, he would sometimes get mad at me because he would explain things to me a few times and I still wouldn't understand. Even when in my adulthood, at places I worked, employers and co workers would treat me like I was stupid and belittle me because I'm the type that has to have things explained to me a few times and I honestly sometimes forget things too. I know this isn't my fault, but I've endured peer abuse even at places I worked at. That didn't help my self esteem any. Most of the time, I felt stupid and my parents would even tell me I was stupid, retarded, delusional, warped, etc.
I grew up thinking that something was wrong with me. My mom put pressure on me to be thin since she was anorexic and weighed about 90 pounds at 4'11". Three years ago when I went to see them for Christmas, she kind of made fun of me on my weight. To me, all that matters is that I feel good about the way I look. But growing up, my mom would tell me I was overweight and that I needed to lose weight and be tiny like she was. I began running again after I had quit playing basketball, and I did start losing the weight. To make myself smaller, I would exercise a lot and not eat anything, or hardly eat anything. I wanted to look good since all the girls at the private Christian school I attended were thin and beautiful. I thought that I needed to be thin to be accepted. Later on, I struggled with my weight issues during my marriage and starved myself again. It ended up where I landed in the hospital with kidney problems. Thankfully, now, I am happy with the way I look and I am comfortable with my body. I don't care that I am not thin like other women. I am who I am and I'm not going to change just for acceptance.
With everything going on in my childhood, between getting made fun of at school and having pressure put on me at home to act certain ways and be someone I wasn't, I began to despise myself. One of the memories I have from my childhood from when I was a teen is writing on a notecard the phrase, "Death is my only freedom." That's where I was at that point in my life. I wasn't shown any love by my parents and they didn't show interest in my life. I was ignored unless they were going through my room and doing searches to make sure that I didn't have anything that they thought was inappropriate and evil. So I had no real freedom and I didn't have the chance to be enjoy being the person I was. I had dreams and goals but my parents controlled every area of my life so I saw those dreams and goals get shattered. I felt so trapped and there were times I tried to end my life. I hated that my parents made me feel so low about myself. I hated going to school because that meant I had to face the bullies there that always seemed to single me out. I had no safe place to go. The only time that I was able to get away for a few hours was when I would go to a park at the end of the street and look out over the water. I often fantasized about what was out there over the horizon.
I thought that when I left home, things would get better and I wouldn't suffer with my self esteem since I was finally away from all the brainwashing. But I didn't count on all the damage that brainwashing causes and all the after effects it leaves behind. When I would make a mistake, I would always be so hard on myself. If anyone even said something to me that I didn't like or that I interpreted as them attacking me and judging me, I attacked back. A defense mechanism came out and walls went up as I found myself striking back. This was an effect left behind due to my father always interrogating me and I had to defend myself over and over again. Then I found myself always apologizing to people if I thought I hurt their feelings because I was so keen on wanting everyone to like me. So often I would explain myself to them even though I didn't have to explain my actions to them. This had to do with always being rejected by peers when I was younger and always trying to please my parents and live up to their expectations as well as other expectations for me.
Then when it came to dating, I dated the wrong men all the time. I lost respect for myself and guys didn't respect me or like me for who I was. They weren't attracted to my personality; they were attracted to my outward appearance. There were a few things that happened that could be counted as being molested but at the time I didn't know that and I guess you could say I thought it was my fault. I wanted guys to like me so I kind of just went a long with whatever. That was back when I drank a lot and was someone completely different. When I was a kid, I was molested by a doctor and didn't realize what was going on; I thought it was just regular routine until later my mom, who had been in the same room at the time, realized that the doctor had no right to do what he did to me since we were only there to get some medication I needed. The regular doctor wasn't in at the time and it was supposed to be for me to get my prescription refilled and to talk about the progress being made. They assigned another doctor to me and he didn't talk about the medicine or anything related to why I was there. To this day, I will not be alone with a male doctor. But there were times that I had run ins with men that weren't so good. I guess that explains why I am not comfortable being alone with a guy unless I really know him and he's a friend of mine. I even find it hard to let a guy near me because of things that have happened to me. The sad thing is that I have had friends make fun of me and tell me something is wrong with me because of decisions I have made when it comes to relationships and because of things that happened in my marriage.
When I got married, I never expected to marry someone exactly like my father. For 9 months I endured physical and emotional abuse. Often, I would take anger out on myself and mentally abuse myself as well as physically harm myself. I never told anyone what was going on and instead of leaving right away, I gave my husband more chances than he deserved. He would tell me that he was going to change but each time I took him back it only grew worse. Whoever thinks that abuse only effects victims and not those who witness it are very wrong. My husband grew up in a home where he witnessed his dad beating his mom all the time. He was never abused but he was used to being around it. As a result, he had anger issues that he never resolved and became abusive towards me. My dad grew up in a home where he witnessed abuse going on though he wasn't abused and he ended up abusing me and my mother. So you don't have to be the victim of abuse necessarily to be affected by it. Once again, I found myself playing the victim role when I thought I had been taking steps forward to becoming a survivor and overcoming the abuse in my childhood. Even in my marriage, I gave up dreams and goals I had. I never felt that I fit in with any of my husband's friends although they didn't reach out to me or try to get to know me. I never felt good enough because he would compare me to his friends' wives constantly, telling me I wasn't normal enough. I finally made the decision to leave and now, I am getting places in my life.
Since making those breakthroughs in my childhood and in my marriage, I have moved on to achieve dreams I wanted to do. I will admit, though, that there are times I find myself feeling that the work I'm doing is not good enough because of those who like to boast about their endeavors. If it's one thing that really bugs me, it's when people want to gloat and brag about their achievements and accomplishments. It is one thing to share your achievements and accomplishments with your friends and family. It's one thing to get out there and promote your book because with writing, it is hard to make it a career or get noticed unless you get an agent or you promote it yourself. It's another thing to be helping people and making it all about yourself and what you are doing. Helping people is not about you. No one likes someone who gloats all the time. Sadly, I have had survivors email me to brag about their accomplishments and achievements. Sometimes when I see other people making it far in life and getting to do interviews and such, I feel that my work is not near as good and that I'm not really doing much. That's insecurity talking though and my past whispering in my ear.
I was always told I wouldn't amount to anything. No one suspected a girl like me to make it this far in life. But I knew what I wanted to do and I set out to do it. I am glad I didn't wait till years later to start going after my dreams and goals. When I am putting issues of Rising Above Magazine together, the Ezine I started and created to give survivors and victims a voice, I am always touched by the articles that I read. Such strength, such courage, such determination flows through the messages and words of those testimonies of survival. It gives me more respect and admiration for people when I read their stories. There are people out there who only care about getting a name for themselves and flaunting what they have done or how much they are doing to help others, but it's survivors like these, like the ones on my staff, who are not bragging about what they are doing and they do this because they genuinely care about helping others and reaching out to them. Humility is such a beautiful quality to have. Here's a tip, if you want people to like you, be yourself and don't make it all about you. People are more drawn to those who are humble and who can relate to them and what they have gone through.
I am finding healing in my life outside of abuse. I am discovering more strength in me than I thought I had. For the first time in my life, I am seeing all the good qualities I have and I am learning to love myself again. I look beyond the horizon to see what lies out there. I don't hold back when it comes to what I want to do. I wanted to become an author so I became one. I wanted to create an Ezine for survivors and victims so I started one. I know what I want to do and I know I can't just pass those chances by. Every opportunity I get, I seize that moment because I know that I may never get another chance like it. I don't compare myself to other survivors out there. I am focusing on the work I am doing. Okay, so my books may not sell as well or get attention like other survivors' books. I may not get to go on these interviews or speak at these engagements that they do. But I know that the work my staff and I are doing with Rising Above, the writing I do on here, and the four books I have written have made a difference and have touched the lives of a few people and that's all I care about. It doesn't matter if I never have a bestseller, it doesn't matter if I never get on TV, it doesn't matter if people never even hear about me. What truly matters is that I am able to make a difference and a change in this world even if it is in a small way.
I'm still learning who I am and I'm still healing. I know I'm going to make mistakes along the way but I will learn from them so I don't repeat the past. I believe in breakthroughs in life because I have made breakthroughs in my own life. I'm not ashamed to bear the title Survivor. I no longer hate the person I see in the mirror since the person I see is a woman who has overcome so many obstacles and is still rising above from the ashes of the past. I've dedicated my life to helping my fellow survivors and victims of abuse; that's what I am passionate about. No, I don't know where this path in life is taking me, but I know it's one worth traveling and exploring. At the end of the day, as long as I feel good about the life I am living and what I'm doing, then I have a reason to smile. I have a reason to smile knowing I have friends and family who care about me. I have a reason to smile just because I am alive and survived the past. It's a new day and I'm a different person now. With my heart leading the way, I believe that I will make it in life and I shouldn't be scared of getting out there, facing the unknown. If I never take risks and chances in life, then I'll never really discover what my life could be about or what I could go on to achieve. I believe in breakthroughs for I have seen that there is life and healing outside the abuse I endured. The past I can't erase but the future I can embrace and that's what I choose to do. I choose to let my voice be heard and I'm not holding back or running away anymore. I love me, Jenna Kandyce Linch, all of me, flaws, broken pieces, and imperfections included. My faith and hope are what keep me going when the road gets tough. I've made it this far and I know I will continue to keep going further because I just don't know how to quit. So here's to life, here's to the future, and here's to breakthroughs and life and healing outside of abuse. Beneath the emotional scars lies beauty.
One of the things that I struggled with for the longest time was my self esteem. Many people know that I am a survivor of child abuse and domestic violence, but what they don't know is that I am a survivor of other things as well. To begin with, I am a survivor of cerebral palsy. When I was born, doctors diagnosed me with cerebral palsy. They told my parents that I would never walk and that I would always be in a wheelchair. They told my parents I would never be like other children who could do everyday things. I consider myself very blessed and very fortunate to be able to walk and to be able to talk. I couldn't even walk until I was about two years old and even then, I had to go to therapy to learn how to walk. I remember having to wear orthodics in my shoes to learn how to walk properly and hating it. For awhile I took speech classes to learn how to speak properly since I couldn't even pronounce consonants. Everything I said came out in vowels. But after taking therapy and speech classes, I was able to walk and talk. However, I was still left with side effects from the cerebral palsy. For instance, I don't pick up on things or really comprehend things as quickly as other people can. I don't even hold my pen or pencil correctly because of my motor skills. My left hip also does not rotate all the way properly so my foot turns in a little bit. Over the years, that has improved though and is not as noticeable as it used to be when I was younger. I am thankful though that I am able to walk and talk and I certainly don't take it for granted.
For the longest time, though, I was picked on in school for the way that I walked. Kids made fun of me all the time. I had to endure peer abuse on top of the abuse that I went through at home. Because I'm not able to pick up on concepts and comprehend things easily, my dad would get frustrated with me a lot. I've never really been that great at math and that is one of the subjects my dad loves. Any time I needed help with math, he would sometimes get mad at me because he would explain things to me a few times and I still wouldn't understand. Even when in my adulthood, at places I worked, employers and co workers would treat me like I was stupid and belittle me because I'm the type that has to have things explained to me a few times and I honestly sometimes forget things too. I know this isn't my fault, but I've endured peer abuse even at places I worked at. That didn't help my self esteem any. Most of the time, I felt stupid and my parents would even tell me I was stupid, retarded, delusional, warped, etc.
I grew up thinking that something was wrong with me. My mom put pressure on me to be thin since she was anorexic and weighed about 90 pounds at 4'11". Three years ago when I went to see them for Christmas, she kind of made fun of me on my weight. To me, all that matters is that I feel good about the way I look. But growing up, my mom would tell me I was overweight and that I needed to lose weight and be tiny like she was. I began running again after I had quit playing basketball, and I did start losing the weight. To make myself smaller, I would exercise a lot and not eat anything, or hardly eat anything. I wanted to look good since all the girls at the private Christian school I attended were thin and beautiful. I thought that I needed to be thin to be accepted. Later on, I struggled with my weight issues during my marriage and starved myself again. It ended up where I landed in the hospital with kidney problems. Thankfully, now, I am happy with the way I look and I am comfortable with my body. I don't care that I am not thin like other women. I am who I am and I'm not going to change just for acceptance.
With everything going on in my childhood, between getting made fun of at school and having pressure put on me at home to act certain ways and be someone I wasn't, I began to despise myself. One of the memories I have from my childhood from when I was a teen is writing on a notecard the phrase, "Death is my only freedom." That's where I was at that point in my life. I wasn't shown any love by my parents and they didn't show interest in my life. I was ignored unless they were going through my room and doing searches to make sure that I didn't have anything that they thought was inappropriate and evil. So I had no real freedom and I didn't have the chance to be enjoy being the person I was. I had dreams and goals but my parents controlled every area of my life so I saw those dreams and goals get shattered. I felt so trapped and there were times I tried to end my life. I hated that my parents made me feel so low about myself. I hated going to school because that meant I had to face the bullies there that always seemed to single me out. I had no safe place to go. The only time that I was able to get away for a few hours was when I would go to a park at the end of the street and look out over the water. I often fantasized about what was out there over the horizon.
I thought that when I left home, things would get better and I wouldn't suffer with my self esteem since I was finally away from all the brainwashing. But I didn't count on all the damage that brainwashing causes and all the after effects it leaves behind. When I would make a mistake, I would always be so hard on myself. If anyone even said something to me that I didn't like or that I interpreted as them attacking me and judging me, I attacked back. A defense mechanism came out and walls went up as I found myself striking back. This was an effect left behind due to my father always interrogating me and I had to defend myself over and over again. Then I found myself always apologizing to people if I thought I hurt their feelings because I was so keen on wanting everyone to like me. So often I would explain myself to them even though I didn't have to explain my actions to them. This had to do with always being rejected by peers when I was younger and always trying to please my parents and live up to their expectations as well as other expectations for me.
Then when it came to dating, I dated the wrong men all the time. I lost respect for myself and guys didn't respect me or like me for who I was. They weren't attracted to my personality; they were attracted to my outward appearance. There were a few things that happened that could be counted as being molested but at the time I didn't know that and I guess you could say I thought it was my fault. I wanted guys to like me so I kind of just went a long with whatever. That was back when I drank a lot and was someone completely different. When I was a kid, I was molested by a doctor and didn't realize what was going on; I thought it was just regular routine until later my mom, who had been in the same room at the time, realized that the doctor had no right to do what he did to me since we were only there to get some medication I needed. The regular doctor wasn't in at the time and it was supposed to be for me to get my prescription refilled and to talk about the progress being made. They assigned another doctor to me and he didn't talk about the medicine or anything related to why I was there. To this day, I will not be alone with a male doctor. But there were times that I had run ins with men that weren't so good. I guess that explains why I am not comfortable being alone with a guy unless I really know him and he's a friend of mine. I even find it hard to let a guy near me because of things that have happened to me. The sad thing is that I have had friends make fun of me and tell me something is wrong with me because of decisions I have made when it comes to relationships and because of things that happened in my marriage.
When I got married, I never expected to marry someone exactly like my father. For 9 months I endured physical and emotional abuse. Often, I would take anger out on myself and mentally abuse myself as well as physically harm myself. I never told anyone what was going on and instead of leaving right away, I gave my husband more chances than he deserved. He would tell me that he was going to change but each time I took him back it only grew worse. Whoever thinks that abuse only effects victims and not those who witness it are very wrong. My husband grew up in a home where he witnessed his dad beating his mom all the time. He was never abused but he was used to being around it. As a result, he had anger issues that he never resolved and became abusive towards me. My dad grew up in a home where he witnessed abuse going on though he wasn't abused and he ended up abusing me and my mother. So you don't have to be the victim of abuse necessarily to be affected by it. Once again, I found myself playing the victim role when I thought I had been taking steps forward to becoming a survivor and overcoming the abuse in my childhood. Even in my marriage, I gave up dreams and goals I had. I never felt that I fit in with any of my husband's friends although they didn't reach out to me or try to get to know me. I never felt good enough because he would compare me to his friends' wives constantly, telling me I wasn't normal enough. I finally made the decision to leave and now, I am getting places in my life.
Since making those breakthroughs in my childhood and in my marriage, I have moved on to achieve dreams I wanted to do. I will admit, though, that there are times I find myself feeling that the work I'm doing is not good enough because of those who like to boast about their endeavors. If it's one thing that really bugs me, it's when people want to gloat and brag about their achievements and accomplishments. It is one thing to share your achievements and accomplishments with your friends and family. It's one thing to get out there and promote your book because with writing, it is hard to make it a career or get noticed unless you get an agent or you promote it yourself. It's another thing to be helping people and making it all about yourself and what you are doing. Helping people is not about you. No one likes someone who gloats all the time. Sadly, I have had survivors email me to brag about their accomplishments and achievements. Sometimes when I see other people making it far in life and getting to do interviews and such, I feel that my work is not near as good and that I'm not really doing much. That's insecurity talking though and my past whispering in my ear.
I was always told I wouldn't amount to anything. No one suspected a girl like me to make it this far in life. But I knew what I wanted to do and I set out to do it. I am glad I didn't wait till years later to start going after my dreams and goals. When I am putting issues of Rising Above Magazine together, the Ezine I started and created to give survivors and victims a voice, I am always touched by the articles that I read. Such strength, such courage, such determination flows through the messages and words of those testimonies of survival. It gives me more respect and admiration for people when I read their stories. There are people out there who only care about getting a name for themselves and flaunting what they have done or how much they are doing to help others, but it's survivors like these, like the ones on my staff, who are not bragging about what they are doing and they do this because they genuinely care about helping others and reaching out to them. Humility is such a beautiful quality to have. Here's a tip, if you want people to like you, be yourself and don't make it all about you. People are more drawn to those who are humble and who can relate to them and what they have gone through.
I am finding healing in my life outside of abuse. I am discovering more strength in me than I thought I had. For the first time in my life, I am seeing all the good qualities I have and I am learning to love myself again. I look beyond the horizon to see what lies out there. I don't hold back when it comes to what I want to do. I wanted to become an author so I became one. I wanted to create an Ezine for survivors and victims so I started one. I know what I want to do and I know I can't just pass those chances by. Every opportunity I get, I seize that moment because I know that I may never get another chance like it. I don't compare myself to other survivors out there. I am focusing on the work I am doing. Okay, so my books may not sell as well or get attention like other survivors' books. I may not get to go on these interviews or speak at these engagements that they do. But I know that the work my staff and I are doing with Rising Above, the writing I do on here, and the four books I have written have made a difference and have touched the lives of a few people and that's all I care about. It doesn't matter if I never have a bestseller, it doesn't matter if I never get on TV, it doesn't matter if people never even hear about me. What truly matters is that I am able to make a difference and a change in this world even if it is in a small way.
I'm still learning who I am and I'm still healing. I know I'm going to make mistakes along the way but I will learn from them so I don't repeat the past. I believe in breakthroughs in life because I have made breakthroughs in my own life. I'm not ashamed to bear the title Survivor. I no longer hate the person I see in the mirror since the person I see is a woman who has overcome so many obstacles and is still rising above from the ashes of the past. I've dedicated my life to helping my fellow survivors and victims of abuse; that's what I am passionate about. No, I don't know where this path in life is taking me, but I know it's one worth traveling and exploring. At the end of the day, as long as I feel good about the life I am living and what I'm doing, then I have a reason to smile. I have a reason to smile knowing I have friends and family who care about me. I have a reason to smile just because I am alive and survived the past. It's a new day and I'm a different person now. With my heart leading the way, I believe that I will make it in life and I shouldn't be scared of getting out there, facing the unknown. If I never take risks and chances in life, then I'll never really discover what my life could be about or what I could go on to achieve. I believe in breakthroughs for I have seen that there is life and healing outside the abuse I endured. The past I can't erase but the future I can embrace and that's what I choose to do. I choose to let my voice be heard and I'm not holding back or running away anymore. I love me, Jenna Kandyce Linch, all of me, flaws, broken pieces, and imperfections included. My faith and hope are what keep me going when the road gets tough. I've made it this far and I know I will continue to keep going further because I just don't know how to quit. So here's to life, here's to the future, and here's to breakthroughs and life and healing outside of abuse. Beneath the emotional scars lies beauty.
Posted by Jenna Kandyce. Posted In : Survivor Issues
I love to write and this is my blog where I write about issues that we survivors face on a daily basis as well as my own personal experiences that I have been through in my life. I find writing to be good therapy for me because it allows me to release all those feelings and emotions I have kept locked inside for years. These are my messages to inspire and encourage other victims and survivors out there to let them know they are not alone.
