When it comes to my life, I know that I have so much to learn still. One of the things that I was recently asked by a friend was why am I so angry all the time? I think that question really made me step back and start to re examine my life. It just really struck close to home when I was asked that. I guess for a long time I didn't want to admit that I had been abused or that I had endured so much pain in my life. Because my father would never allow me to express emotions or feelings, I pushed everything to the side rather than really focusing on the issues in my life that I needed to work on. I just always told myself that I would never be like my father and that I would never hurt anyone the way that he had hurt me. So for awhile, I ignored all the things going on in my life that I needed to deal with. Part of me didn't want to own up to the truth about my past. But after that question, I really found myself taking a step back and looking at my past once again.

The truth is that I have struggled with issues of anger due to the abuse I went through. Due to the pain that my father put me through, I battle trust and abandonment issues. Plenty of times I have just found myself getting angry over things and sadly, I have taken my anger out on friends and people that I care about. Even in my marriage, I did allow my anger to control me and even though he hurt me, I hurt him as well. I've asked myself recently as I have started to look at all the angles of my life why do I get so angry. I get angry because of all the pain I went through and I get angry about all those years I lived in a broken home where I was told that I was nothing but a failure, where I was brainwashed over and over again, where I was physically abused, and where I had to basically raise myself because my parents showed no interest in my life. I also find myself getting angry that someone who should have been there to protect me and cherish me never bothered to show me any love but instead betrayed me and hurt me in so many ways. For a long time, I used that anger to hurt myself. Now, I am finding healthy ways to take the anger out.

Regardless of what people say, I think that it is okay to get angry and have those feelings of anger. However, it's learning to control our anger and not let it control us that we must do. I admit that I used to be the type that would constantly lash out and defend myself when people would say something to me that I didn't agree with it. For survivors, I think that when we lash out like that, it's a defense mechanism that we put up because of the years of having to defend ourselves against our abusers. When I was a kid and I would get in trouble, my father would often interrogate me to find out why I did what I did. He would never take me aside and ask me what was going on or try to find the underlying reason behind the action. Instead he would become cold and harsh, putting me on trial as he brainwashed me telling me he was sure that I didn't mean to be a bad kid. If I didn't answer him right away, he'd demand that I give him an answer and wouldn't just let me walk away. If I didn't have an answer, he then proceeded to make me feel guilty about what I had done and tear me down further. I believe that this has a part to play in why I used to get so upset when people would say negative things about me and send me negative messages, making me feel bad about myself. I lashed out in anger as a way of defending myself since I always had to defend myself in the presence of my father when I was a kid. I'm not making excuses for taking my anger out on other people. Even now, I have to sometimes really read something someone writes to me so I can understand where they are coming from instead of just getting angry and lashing out. I think that when people say something to us that we find condemning and judgmental, our first reaction is to defend ourselves and explain ourselves to others. The thing is that we shouldn't have to explain ourselves to people; we should just be able to live our lives and express our feelings and emotions without having to feel that we must explain our actions all the time and answer to others. We're in control of our own lives. We don't have to answer to those who do not agree with us.

I know that in talking to and networking with survivors, I have had people lash out at me. When they lashed out at me, that triggered me to say something back. Although I don't agree that people should lash out, I have begun to realize that sometimes people lash out in anger as their way of reaching out and needing to vent. It doesn't make it right that they criticize and judge others though but sometimes people do lash out because they are still healing from the pain of their past. They may not exactly know how to express their feelings so they lash out from the hurt they are feeling. When reading notes, I often have to remind myself that people do mean well sometimes even if they come across as being harsh. However, if someone is trying to help you and be there for you, don't take your anger out on them. Don't take your anger out on them from issues you are healing from and dealing with in your own life. When we take our anger out on others like that then we are no better than those who hurt us and abused us in our lives.

Sometimes it's good to step back and re examine our lives. I think what also causes my anger is that I haven't exactly gotten in touch with the little girl within. What I mean by the little girl within is that I believe that due to the abuse from my past, there is a part of me that is still a little girl. One of the things that I used to notice when I suffer from anxiety attacks is that I sometimes did feel like this little lost girl all over again. Yes, I am learning to love myself again but I know that I also need to learn how to love my inner child as well because she too is hurting from not having been shown love in her life. The little girl in me needs to be loved and needs to be cared for. Yes, on the surface I am this strong woman who speaks out. That's the side that people see when they look at me. Underneath the surface though lies a little girl who is hurt, sad, fragile, and at times broken. So when it comes to healing from my past, not only do I heal for myself but I'm also trying to heal the little girl within. I have a teddy bear that I often hug whenever I am sad and going through a tough time. Even when I was younger, I always had a teddy bear that I would hold onto and hug when I heard my parents fighting. The little girl within me identifies with the teddy bear and that is the source of comfort for me when I find myself getting emotional. I've had people tell me that it's silly to have a teddy bear, but you know what, it's not silly to have something like a stuffed animal that is special to us. I think it's good to have something that we can hold onto and identify with when we find ourselves grieving. It allows us to let the tears flow freely and to release our feelings.

The thing with healing is that no one can tell you how you should heal. I've noticed that people love to think that they are certified in telling others how to deal with their pain and how to heal from the past. My form of therapy is to write my feelings out. I have had people tell me that my writing is very depressing, that I come across as whining and that I am nothing but a complainer. Well, when survivors write poetry and write stories, it's not going to always be beautiful and positive because when we write, we are reaching inside ourselves and pulling out all the emotions we have felt from the pain we suffered. Our writing is not meant to always be positive and inspiring. We write for us and writing is our way of expressing those emotions. It's like music. Musicians use their songs to express their emotions. I listen to all types of music but one of the bands that really helped me through tough times, that I found myself relating to is Linkin Park. I am a huge fan of Linkin Park and when it comes to music, I tend to be drawn towards music that I can relate to. Linkin Parks' songs aren't always bright and cheery but the point is that through their music, they are still helping others in life. I've had people tell me to just move on and that writing is not enough for my healing.

That is their opinion though. For me, writing has been my saving grace and I know that if I ever gave it up, I wouldn't have anything to hold onto. Writing my thoughts and feelings creates an outlet for me so that I don't end up hurting myself. Everyone has different healing methods. You may not understand their methods, you may not agree with them, but then again, why are you so concerned with how someone else heals? It is good to care about others and what they go through. However, it isn't your place to try to play counselor all the time and tell them what they should do to heal and how they should live their lives. Just like you cannot tell someone that you had it worse in life than they did. One of the myths that I hear a lot is okay, well, you didn't go through abuse in your marriage or your childhood for as long as I did so therefore I had it so much worse than you. When it comes to abuse, how long you endured the abuse does not matter because it still leaves pain all the same and you still hurt over it. It doesn't matter if it was for 9 months, 9 years, or even 29 years. Abuse always leaves scars behind. Just because you are still healing from things in your own past does not mean that you have the right to condemn and criticize someone else on what they are doing to allow themselves to heal.

When you were going through abuse, did you sit there and think, hmmm, I wonder who has it worse than me and who is going through more pain? I guarantee that was not your thought at the time. You were focusing on the pain that you felt and your only concern was the pain ending and getting out of there. You didn't have time to think about who had it worse than you. You probably weren't even thinking about other kids who were being abused at the same time. When we are going through tough times, our focus is on what we are experiencing and not on what other people are going through. Yes, we are all survivors but our stories are all different. None of us were there to witness the pain that others suffered. So then how can we tell someone else that compared to what we went through, their life was a walk in the park? You cannot say that because you were not there and you did not feel their pain and you did not see what they went through. Survivors should not be comparing stories and the work that they do; being a survivor is not a fad. We were the lucky ones to come out alive because let me tell you, there are many who don't make it out alive and who die at the hands of their abusers. We should be thankful that we were fortunate enough to get out before it was too late.

As survivors, we can do different things to help others. Just like there's no right way or wrong way in healing, there is no right way or wrong way in helping other people and reaching out to them. Some people go on to start their own organizations, some volunteer their time in their local communities, some participate in marches, some sign petitions, some write their life stories and yes writing does count as helping despite what people say, so there are all sorts of ways that you can help. But it's not about who does the most work because helping isn't a competition. Don't make someone feel that they aren't doing enough to help others. Don't pull a guilt trip on others. I believe that any work that someone does to take the time to reach out to someone in need makes a difference and helps to save a life. It could be just simply listening to their story but that still helps. Yes, abuse is something that we all want to see stopped and we're all working towards the goal of putting an end to it and helping those who are trapped in silence. The problem will never be fixed or repaired if we are too busy comparing stories and how much work that we do and making others feel guilty and feel that they aren't doing enough. Abuse is a battle that we will always be fighting against to put an end to. Everyone's voice matters, every story counts, and every bit of work helps to save a life out there. They say that every penny counts; well every voice that speaks out and is heard counts and the more that we speak out, the more of a change we can make.

I guess what I am trying to say is that we need to see the whole picture. We need to quit focusing on only certain areas and seeing only what we want to see. We're the ones who can relate to and understand other survivors and victims because we're still healing in our lives and we've been there before. To make a difference, though, and to work together and be effective, we must have an open mind. We can't be judging and tearing one another down if we ever expect there to be a change. We all must be willing to do our part, no matter how great or small, to help save those lives that are crying out. We each have our own issues to work through in life. We each have our own struggles we battle every day. We feel anger from what we went through. Well, what better way to release our anger then to use it to put a stop to abuse and do what we can to help others? So next time you find yourself not understanding something, take a step back. Sometimes you can get a better view and perspective about things by standing on the outside looking in. It allows you to see the whole picture and you'd be surprised what you have missed as well as what you will learn when you take those steps back.