Letters From Survivors Book Project Update

Hey guys,

I know it's been awhile since I mentioned anything about the book project I am doing, Letters From Survivors. For those of you who are new to R.A.M.'s site, awhile ago I had posted something about survivors writing letters to themselves, to their abusers, or to other survivors. I know that it was very helpful for me when I sat down and actually wrote a letter to my abuser although I didn't send it to the person. When you write a letter to yourself, it allows you to see how far you have come in your own life and the victory you have achieved by breaking the chains of your past. When you write one to the person that you hurt you, it lets you release those feelings that have been locked up for years and lets you say what you've always wanted to say and you don't even have to send it to the person either. I find writing letters very therapeutic.

I want to put together a book that is full of letters from different survivors. I know that the holiday season is a busy time of year, and originally I had made the deadline for end of January. But depending on how many letters I get for this project and how many people are interested, I am thinking about extending the deadline to give people time to write the letter and send it in. I am going to extend it until March because I know that with the holiday season here, it is a time to be with family and friends.

You don't have to have been abused to participate in this project. You can be the loved one of someone who has been abused. Poetry can also be submitted for the project as well. Also you may remain anonymous and when writing about the events in the letter, you may change names and events to fictionalize it. You don't have to use real names when writing these letters.

All work will be copyrighted in the book. I will not use any material unless I have permission from the person submitting it. I think this is a great way to share your stories and reach out to other survivors out there as well as letting your voice be heard. If you have any questions, feel free to contact me at jklinch_risingabove@yahoo.com. I just wanted to include the letter that I wrote to my abuser so you guys can get an idea of what I'm talking about:


*I wrote this earlier this year, so I had to go back and change it a little bit since other things have happened since I wrote it. I have to say it was not easy for me to write this letter but it allowed me to get all those things out that I have always wanted to say to my father. I hope that maybe this letter helps others who are still healing too.



Dear Dad,

For a long time I've kept everything locked inside, afraid to say what I feel. I have lived my life in silence, not daring to speak out because I was afraid of you. But now, I am taking that first step to letting my feelings out and releasing everything. It doesn't matter what you have to say for you are no longer in control of my life. I am now taking my life back and breaking my silence. I am no longer going to make excuses or cover for you and the hell you put me through. It's time for me to let you know how I truly feel about what you did to me.

I guess I'll never understand how you could treat me that way. You tried to tell me it was my fault, yet I was just a little girl when all the abuse started. How could a little girl be responsible for ruining her parents' marriage or breaking her own family apart? I know that I made mistakes and wasn't perfect, but you tore me down everyday simply because I did not measure up to your expectations. I did try to be what you wanted me to be, putting on a false act all the time just to make you happy. That failed to work though because no matter what I did, it was never good enough for you. Behind closed doors, you would say how I was a mistake, that I was stupid, retarded, warped, delusional, etc. I was only 11 years old, trying to protect my mother from you, not knowing I would be caught in the midst of your anger and that it would from then on be directed towards me.

You brainwashed me, making me believe that something was truly wrong with me. Because of you, I hated the girl staring back at me in the mirror. Many times I had to repeat out loud that I was a moral failure as you told me that I was evil and that there must be good in me somewhere. I still remember the night you threw me out and locked me out of the house after finding out that I forged a signature on a progress report and that I was dating someone. Did you even wonder why I forged the signature or even why my grades at school were slipping? You never even bothered to ask me about the reason behind my grades failing. Instead, like always, you took your anger out on me, throwing me off the porch, nearly breaking my arm, and shoving me to the ground so many times. Then you decided after that night that I had to go see psychologists so we could get to the bottom of everything and find out the reason why I was such a bad little girl. After all, my behavior and attitude must have something to do with me and not you and what you were putting me through at home.

My grades failed because of everything going on at home. I watched Mom slip into deep depression and cry numerous tears because of you. She fell apart after you allegedly flirted with another woman at work. Ok, so maybe you didn't cheat on her physically, but you were entertaining thoughts with the flirting. I saw how much it crushed Mom after you lost your job due to the woman accusing you falsely of sexual harrasment. Then again, how do I know what really happened since wasn't there and the family is so full of secrets and lies that it's hard to know who and what to trust anymore. I clearly remember all those nights I would lay awake in bed, listening to you and Mom fight behind closed doors. Later, she brainwashed you to the point you wanted to end your own life. I guess maybe it showed you how it felt when you would make me repeat things back to you.

You put so much pressure on me to be someone I wasn't that I fell apart. Even when you knew I was self-inflicting, you did nothing about it. You never questioned why I did it, either. I was trying to release all the emotional pain I had inside me from the abuse you put me through. When the school found out about it and threatened to throw me out, you got mad at me, claiming I was ruining your reputation as a parent. I have news for you. You ruined your own reputation as a parent. Oh, you may have had others fooled by your goody two shoes appearance, but I saw right through you. I know the man that you were. The truth is that you took your anger out on me because there were issues in your own life that you never received help for or healed from. So instead of owning up to them and facing them, you took all of it out on me
to make yourself feel better. The problem was never me. It was always you.

You crushed me in so many ways. You should have been there for me, to love me and protect me since I was suppose to be your little girl. But no, you had to tell me that I didn't deserve hugs, that you couldn't brag about me to your friends because you weren't proud of me, that there was nothing for you to be proud of when it came to me. The only thing you cared about was controlling my life and seeing just how much you could get away with. The times I did try to speak out, you threatened to turn me in for cutting and being suicidal. In fact, you even encouraged me to end my own life saying I would be doing you and Mom both a favor if I killed myself. Then you told me I'd always struggle with thoughts of suicide. I wonder why. Could it be because you stole my childhood from me, that you made me grow up faster then I should have, that you put me down all the time, that you only saw my flaws and imperfections, thus robbing me of my self-esteem as well?

The day I finally left you were yelling at me. You said you'd never be finished yelling at me, that even when you died, you'd still be yelling at me. When my friends came to pick me up, you just watched from inside the house, not daring to come outside. I left to find myelf, to get my life back, little knowing just how much the damage caused by you would affect me. After I left, you cut me off and didn't speak to me for a long time. You only came back in my life when you adopted Mikaila and even then, you resented me for telling one of the adoption agencies the truth about you because I wasn't going to lie for you anymore. Because I lost respect for myself, I went looking for love in the wrong places. I dated around and even thought about going into prostitution because I was at a low point in my life. I tried to commit suicide numerous times, had very bad flashbacks and anxiety attacks, but you didn't know about all of that because you weren't around. You only ever cared about yourself and not about how your children. Your own son you disowned because he decided to go to a regular college and not a Christian one, and because he partied and drank and got tattoos. Sure you may not agree with everything he's doing, but he's your son and how you could treat him like that, I will never understand. You brand him as if he is an outcast and even told me to never speak his name to you. Did you know that he tried to end his life too and started drinking because he tried to get over the things you put him through? Just like I turned to self-infliction to release the pain, he turned to drinking. But you know what, if you'd open your eyes and see the good things he's doing, you would see that he is now getting his life back on track, writing a book, and even getting his college education. He's grown into a strong, courageous young man who is goal-oriented and focused on doing what he has to do to reach his dreams. He's not out partying, he's not out drinking, he's focusing on school and writing. But you let your hate and ignorance blind you from really getting to know what a wonderful man your son has become. It is your own fault and your loss.

When I got married, you weren't there for the wedding. You didn't even seem to care that I got married and you never asked about the guy or even met him. The only thing you told me that day I got married when I was at the courthouse was that I better treat my husband right. Did you know that I married a monster just like you? Mom use to tell me that I would marry someone like you but I never believed it. Then it happened. Her words came true. I married a man who emotionally, physically, and psychologically abused me. His temper was just as bad if not worse then yours. He put me through hell. Suddenly, I felt like a victim all over again after I had worked so hard to break free from the past and heal from what you did to me. He threw things at me, closed me in a closet, taped me cutting myself, tore into me with his cruel words, choked me till I could barely breathe, even left me for his first love that he had been talking to behind my back and lying to me about. So much for having such a decent son-in-law, huh? Instead of like father like son, it was like father like son-in-law. The two men in my life that should have been there for me weren't. You were the two that destroyed me, that broke my heart into pieces and left emotional scars for what you did. You and Mom thought I was just making the abuse up and even to this day, you deny what you put me through, saying I lie about everything. But I know the truth, and I'm using my voice to let it be known. I am no longer pretending that nothing happened, that we were such a happy, perfect family when in fact we were nothing like that.

Thanks to you, those haunting memories replay themselves in my mind day after day. Yes, I do forgive you for what you did to me. However, I'm using my past to help others in life. I have written two books about my past. One is a book about poetry and the other is a story about what I went through in my marriage and childhood. My third book is coming out later this year and I just put together a book of my favorite poems that is just for survivors. Guess you didn't know that I actually inherited your gift of writing. You use to write poems for Mom. I took after you in writing. In fact, I took after you in some ways. I have your intelligence and your ability to analyze people and things. I have your leadership skills, and I have your courage and determination to stand for what is right. Now I am an author writing to help abuse victims and survivors, I have my own website up to reach out to them, people look up to me and respect me. At 23, I have done alot and still have lots left to do in life. I have 3 books out and my writing is opening the doors for me. I'm able to be a voice for those who have gone unheard and encourage, inspire, and motivate them to speak out through my writing. I am working ..ing my own magazine, Rising Above that further reaches out to victims and survivors of abuse. The first issue comes out next month and it's amazing to see the support I've been receiving from other survivors out there. You may not believe in me, but so many others out there do believe in me and the work I am doing. Oh and last year, a local newspaper wrote an article about me and my books. Yet, you are still not proud of me and I doubt you ever will be. Oh and I forgot to mention, I'm going through a divorce right now, too. Yep, the papers just came in and I signed them and filed. It's one hell of a heartache for me to be going through all this but I'm not giving up in life. After that, I am moving somewhere new. I won't make the same mistake Mom made when she chose to stay married to you; I know I deserve better and I will not allow another guy to ever abuse me like you and he did.

I'm doing things on my own since you refuse to be there for me. You'll never know just how many tears I've cried and how many scars I bear from cutting and also from the emotional pain you put me through. You'll never know how much it hurts and how much I battle everyday. But I've come a long way in my life and still have further to go. I'm not giving up. You didn't break me and you didn't destroy me. You only gave me the strength to fight harder to reclaim my life. I'm doing it though. I'm finally speaking out and letting my voice be heard. There is nothing you can do about it. The chains of my past are broken. Sure, I'm still healing but little by little, step by step day by day I am rebuilding my life. I'm never going to be like you. I could never hurt anyone like the way you hurt me, Mom, and Michael. You'll have to answer for all of that one day. I'm stronger then you'll ever know and I'm not that scared little girl I use to be.

So I guess in conclusion, I want to say thank you for you taught me alot of lessons that I've carried in my heart, the most important lesson being that I will never again let any man abuse me or treat me the way you did. I know now that I am something beautiful and special and that none of this was ever my fault. I'm no longer living my life in fear. I know that my future doesn't have to reflect the past and I know that with time, these scars will heal. I'm making the most out of my life and I will continue to keep on fighting and surviving to make it. Maybe one day you will be proud of me, but I guess the most important thing is that I am proud of myself and happy to be who I am, learning to love myself again. I also have so many friends out there who have helped me along the way to get this far and who believe in me. So even though you may not be a part of my life or take interest in it, I am not alone for
I do have loving, caring friends who are always there for me.


The Daughter That You Don't Really Know,

Jenna